It was a few years ago that I recall Bill O’Reilly declaring
that he was going to lead the fight against the War on Christmas. It was a war
envisioned only by the uber far-right- super-paranoid. They had become
convinced that because clerks in large box department stores were overheard
saying “happy holidays” rather than “merry Christmas” and because a stock boy
named Jesus Rodriguez had allegedly been asked to hide his name badge by some
hairball manager who feared customers would be offended by his first name that
there was a massive cultural onslaught to wipe Christmas, if not the entirety
of Western culture, from existence.
This so called war played out with an array of mental
pygmies like Sarah Palin and Sean Hannity jumping on the bandwagon as super
patriot warriors who were willing to lay down their collective…well I don’t
really know what it was as their lives were certainly never in
jeopardy…essences to win this greatest of all battles.
Shortly thereafter, Bill O’Reilly declared ‘victory” on his
radio program upon learning Jesus was allowed to again wear his badge after an
abundance of negative publicity hit the store where Jesus Rodriguez worked. As
a result of this great victory, we are all the beneficiaries of 30 pound
newspapers hitting our doorsteps a full month prior to Thanksgiving as well as an array of tasteless and tacky
blow-up yard ornaments depicting such iconic religious symbols as Santa Claus,
Frosty the Snowman, Dick Cheney and others, to name a few.
As we have become a nation inclined to a permanent state of
war, we were to suffer no reprieve from such after the conclusion of this
decisive and quick victory in the war on Christmas.
I am the proud uncle of a niece and nephew, both very good
kids, who have met their soul mates and are scheduled to be married a few mere
weeks from one another. At first I thought this quite the coincidence. Upon further examination, however, I’ve come
to the conclusion that they are reacting to the current spate of news concerning
the momentum with which various states and the country as a whole are accepting
the concept of gay marriage.
Now, gay marriage is an issue with which I have no
complaint. If folks are willing to fight our wars and pay their taxes, then I’m
for letting them marry whomever they wish. What I fear is not gay marriage.
What I do fear is the thundering gallop of pandering politicians who will jump
on any band wagon in order to garner votes by taking positions which will favor
such regardless of what they themselves believe. It is with this in mind that I fear the
declaration of the next cultural war, and it will lead to the taking of many
prisoners.
The war of which I speak of is the War on Hetero-sexual
Marriage! It’s bound to happen as we are already going down that slippery slope
with the permissiveness of gay marriage, childbirth out of wedlock, individually
packed coffee pods, and electronic smokes. When will it end?
It’s as if I can already hear these politicians railing
against the concept of one man marrying one woman as going against everything
in nature as if a horse married a camel or an elephant married a hippopotamus.
“If men were meant to marry women, God would have ordained it,” would be
pronounced by a mainstream politico most likely from some place like Texas .
“Why, it’s akin to full-noodle frontity”, they will proclaim. Rick Perry will
be outraged…“I’ve been married to a woman, the same woman, for over 35 years
and let me tell you, it was a horrible mistake!” Shoot, even Vladimir Putin is
jumping on the bandwagon.
Finally, I will go to the marriage ceremonies of my nephew
and niece with the comfort of knowing they got in just under the wire, not
having to live in the quiet desperation of hetero-sexuals, being men who love
women, women who love men, hiding such facts in the closet for the rest of
their lives. These may well be the last hetero-sexual marriages allowed in this
country. Where’s the humanity? Oh, where’s the humanity??? And, God bless Bill
O’Reilly.
